Was I wrong about him after all…? It has some time now since Entaro saw fit to have my body broken, and yet even now my only concerns are of him and his precious Ashen, Ti’Lana. Even as the guards were beating me into the crumpled heap I could think of nothing else. I suppose that was why they stopped so soon, I was not reacting the way they wanted.  What I cannot understand is why those two trouble me so…

It seems strange to me… For hundreds of years I have strived to build a reputation around myself as being absolutely ruthless with no sense of mercy, willing to kill anyone and everyone who got in my way. It started as the ploy I had described to Entaro, a way to get myself within the inner circles of the corrupted Obsidian government so that I might one day bring down that accursed Tower. But in truth I had became that most hated and vile creature known as the Snake of Men’Zonine Manor. I had lost sight of who I was and lost all hope in myself and in others. So many years of torturing and killing had tainted my purpose and my mission became nothing more but one colossal death spree.

I realize now, as I lie here on the cold hard ground of Entaro’s dungeon, that I lied to him when I told him I loathed everything I had done to him, to the other countless victims that await me in Oblivion, and to the countless more who would have doubt would have died by my hands. I know now I had come to enjoy my work, that my hatred for it was just an illusion. It was not intentional, of course. I fooled myself into thinking I was doing it all for some higher purpose, that I was somehow justified in my actions. Each time I committed myself to the bloodlust planted within my dark heart it because easier, grown all the more enjoyable until I revelled in the harm of others. Sacrifice, I came to believed, was the way to our salvation.

Our salvation…?

No… My salvation. I have done it all for myself. I still yearn to hear the song of Titan within my heart again, even when my soul can no longer fathom it’s meaning. I have used my race as an excuse, the better part of me hoping He will takes my efforts, all the torture, pain and misery I put myself through, as courage and strife, so that upon my death he will redeem me and call what is left of my soul home to the Alumi Tree. No, none of it had been for them. That is why I do not wish to die… I know I will be forever swimming in that burning lake that is Oblivion. It seems I cannot allow myself to leave this world until I have done something for someone else, genuinely, with no strings attached and nothing to gain for myself.

I chuckle now, remembering something I had said to Entaro when he had asked if it was not our nature to be wicked. Was this what I wanted of myself? To be nothing more then a stain upon the cold stone floor, subject to everyone’s whims but my own? Surely not! I am more then capable of standing up for myself. I have more then enough power to keep this from happening to me time and again. But then why…? Why do I continue to allow myself to be a slave to others? Why do I tell myself I have no choice but tell others they always to? Why is it that I cannot bring myself to take the lead for once, rather then skulk in the shadows like the worm that I am?

Judging by the overwhelming sense of déjà vu I am receiving my guess is that these are questions I have asked myself on several occasions… If that is so, then why do I keep making the same mistakes? Am I really that selfish? Why am I caught up in this never ending whirlpool of failure? That each time I turn around some blameless person was being hurt by my actions? For once I would like good to come from my efforts. But I have no idea how… My sense of morality seems only to exist in times like these, when I have no choice but sit back and reflect on the damages I’ve caused.

Or maybe this is the only time I listen…

That would be of no surprise. I’ve already proven to myself that I believe only what I want to believe. I force myself to forget every time I do something terribly wrong and, quite possibly, overly right. Perhaps it is my refusal to face the past that prevents me from learning from my mistakes. So the question now is; how do I allow myself to see and know everything I keep hidden; both from myself and from others? How do I look past my murderous life, my shames, and my cowardice and face the truth about all that I am and what I have done? How do I stop being a slave to my convictions and move on?

I know not the answer, but realize I will not find it here… The taint of the Forgotten Isles will no doubt corrupt my mind again. I need to leave, to get as far away from the spoils of Darkness as I possibly can to find what I seek within myself. I have no idea where my path will lead me, but I have an idea on where to start. My only concern with this is how Arcemedes, the Head of Invocation, will receive me…